[Arnie] Previously on I'm Dying Up Here...
I saw you on Carson. Your answering service
could barely speak, and then she hung up on me.
[Teddy] I will give you half the door, cash.
He's betting on a junkie.
And you're offering-- what was it again?
You ever think that maybe I'm not that nice a guy?
- [applause] - [Cassie] Not for a second.
We're not friends.
[Ralph] Uh-oh, you don't think I get respect?
[Adam] What you think, you made it?
Think this sorry-ass bar you made
or any of this mean shit to me?
[Sonja] We like to think of ourselves as courtesans,
here to entertain members of nobility.
Can't believe Barton didn't say nothing
about this place being a whorehouse.
- [police siren blaring] - Don't worry,
I'm gonna take care of everything.
He did not have anything to do with this.
If you're released now, it's like it never happened.
This offer doesn't extend to him.
I'm good with that.
Can't afford to pay you right now, Hoss.
No need. It's already paid.
Who the fuck is Barton Royce?
♪ jazz music ♪
♪♪
[Edgar] Are you having a good time, ma'am?
Really? All right.
Tell your face.
[laughter]
[Sully] Guys, Vietnam's coming to an end.
That means what?
Comedians are coming home...
from Canada.
[wild laughter]
[Adam] I used to do a lot of handyman work,
growing up.
Mostly because my dad was in the business...
of breaking shit.
[laughter continues]
[Cassie] Well, what are you doing in here?
That hooker in the trunk ain't gonna bury herself.
[laughter]
[Edgar] All right, thank you, folks.
You've been a...
slightly above average crowd.
[laughter and applause]
[children laughing]
[Adam] [muffled yelling]
[laughter]
Hey!
Help!
[laughter]
- Oh, here we go, here we go. - It's okay, baby, Mama's here.
Here we go.
You two can't look out for your baby brother?
[Parnell] Ain't no goddamn baby, Verna.
The boy needs some toughening up.
You the one that's hurting him.
[Parnell] I ain't got time for this shit.
You okay, baby?
They said it would be more fun than a Ferris wheel.
They said?
I ain't always gon' be here, so you listen up good, you hear?
They two kind of people out there,
discerners and fools.
Discerner know the difference between what people say
and what people mean.
Fools...only hear what they want to hear.
You got to know the difference out there.
You hear me, Adam?
How I know, Mama?
You watch they eyes.
A mouth smile easy, but not eyes.
[Al] So my wife's new husband is younger, better looking,
better job, bigger dick...
[laughter]
...nicer car. Why would she leave me?
Just because I made noise when I chew?
Well, she made noise when she chewed--
his cock in my bed.
[laughter]
Hey.
[Al] The kids were home. [laughter]
Hey, keep it tight.
Haul ass offstage when you see that light.
[Al] I'm back in the dating world.
- [Al] Nobody knows. - Man, look.
About the other night, I'm sorry.
Okay, you were cool and I wasn't.
It won't happen again.
It's disrespectful to the next comic
when you running the light.
Disrespect for who? Fucking Randy?
Didn't you say he was as funny as a dick pimple?
Randy open mic'd for three years before he got down here.
You know, he didn't leapfrog
'cause he built some fucking shelves.
That deserves some respect. You dig?
Yeah. Whatever, nigga.
You don't ever get to call me that.
And if you roll your motherfucking eyes at me again,
your head is gon' be rolling after it.
You understand that?
[Al] That's my time. Clap for me, please.
Mind the fucking light.
[cheers and applause]
[laughter]
I know what you're thinking.
I look like Danny Partridge
if his mom kicked him out of the band.
Wonder if there were some family members
that didn't pass the audition, you know?
Like, behind the long bus there's a little short bus.
Poor kid, Patrick Partridge, sitting back there wondering,
"Why can't I shake the tambourine
or hit the triangle or something?"
I hear you're having dinner with Roy Brenner.
Yeah.
Somebody was harping in his ear.
Eh. [laughs]
Thought I'd use the guy's pain.
Little inside information on Brenner.
He doesn't like hard to get.
So do me a favor and quit acting like you're doing him a favor.
You want this. You want it more than anyone,
so woo him.
Here I thought he was supposed to be kissing my ass.
[chuckles]
Your career's got about five minutes
before it goes the way of the Emperor's new clothes.
And right now, everyone is contorting themselves
to keep you from fucking yourself up,
but it's all just piss in the wind
if you can't get out of your own way.
Any tips?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Don't talk with your mouth full.
♪ tense music ♪
[laughter]
It wasn't even a kiss.
I mean, I basically punched her in the face with my mouth.
Maybe she'll even the score, punch you in your vagina.
[scoffs] You're an asshole.
I'm gonna pretend that's the estrogen talking.
Mm-hmm.
Read this. Changed my life.
It's all about positive thinking.
No offense, but your life's kind of the only thing
that makes me feel positive about my life.
Mm, that's very funny.
"The Unbelievable Power of Believing."
$7.95. Oh.
Do you realize how many unicorns you could have bought with this?
After I read this book, I got fired from "Let's Make a Deal."
Well, it sounds like you read this book
and then something shitty happened to you.
[laughs] Getting fired from "Let's Make a Deal"
was a gift from the universe.
If you believe that good things
will happen to you, then they do.
How do you explain sleeping with Arnie then?
Yeah, what else does the universe have
in store for you, besides hepatitis?
Right, okay, fine, if you don't believe in believing,
then it's your loss.
Hm.
[man] Edgar? Edgar Martinez?
Yeah. What took you so long?
Unlike Uncle Hitler behind me,
I've been holding a shit for three days.
I've reviewed your case file and...
...you should turn state's evidence.
You mean snitch? No fucking way, man.
I ain't no snitch.
No, you're a drug trafficker,
and transporting drugs over state lines
means if found guilty, you're facing a minimum sentence
of nine years in prison.
All right, the guy you're looking for is Carlos Mendoza,
goes by Big Chewy in the street.
His address is 727 North Barclay Avenue,
apartment 3. He also works
with his cousins, Santiago and Juan Diego.
They have a pit bull, but don't worry, it's blind.
Are you writing this down?
♪ jazz music ♪
Hey, you seen Eddie?
'Cause the last guy who kissed me and ran away
at least had the decency to come back
and push me in the dirt after recess.
Did--did something happen the other night?
Because--that's weird, I talked to Eddie,
and he didn't mention anything about--about the other night.
Wow, you're a terrible actor.
[clears throat] It was that bad?
Yeah, I'm tempted to re-enter and let you try that again.
[laughs]
What's with the book, man?
Cassie, I'm tired of living in a closet.
- [scoffs] - Not getting laid,
not getting paid. I mean, I've been blind,
and this book has given me sight,
because if you can believe it, you can achieve it.
It's all in there.
- Wow. - Mm-hmm.
That's actually pretty impressive.
I'm gonna have to borrow this when you're done.
What chapter are you on?
12.
Page 12, but...those 12 pages
are chock full of life-changing information.
♪♪
Oh, uh, excuse me, can I help you?
Yeah, just grabbing a booth.
[Cassie] Tell Eddie to call me, okay?
Yep. Uh, I'm--I'm sorry, sir,
we actually don't have any booths available at the moment.
Well, what about this one right here?
Oh, no, I'm sorry. That--that booth is reserved...
...for President Grant.
President Grant died 100 years ago,
so I don't think he'll mind.
Okay. Uh, how about President Jackson?
Also dead, but we'll move if he shows up.
Come on, honey, have a seat.
Sir, uh,
you know that I'm--I'm talking about money, right?
Amazingly, yes.
Did I start too high? I was gonna start with Lincoln,
but then I was like, "Seriously,
who wants to sit in a booth reserved for Lincoln?"
Yeah, another time.
♪ jazz music ♪
♪♪
[whistling]
[Goldie] Mm.
Not sure who it's from, but whoever it is,
they're puckered up. [laughs]
Oh, hey, Arnie, this show is chewing up my schedule.
I'm gonna need you to step up around here--
set the lineup, not just for the Cellar and Open Mic,
Main Stage too.
Main Stage?
Oh, I'm honored.
And please know that whatever additional responsibilities
you might find necessary on my part
to keep your empire running... are welcome.
Just give the word.
Easy, Mussolini, just keep the trains running.
- [Cassie] Hi. - [knocks on the door]
[Goldie] Hey, honey.
Can I talk to you alone?
Yeah, Arnie was just leaving.
Oh, yeah, right. I'll go and, uh,
I just gotta set the lineup for the Main Stage.
[scoffs]
[clears throat]
I know it's probably not my place to say anything,
um, but have you read the sketches?
Mm-hmm.
I mean, 'cause I'm worried that the Little Bo Peep one
might be...
...kinda...lame.
It's not lame.
It's fucking horrible, goddamn offensive.
Ohh. I thought I just didn't get it.
[laughs] Ho, ho, the writers don't get it.
I mean, it's two guys never been laid
writing their idea of what a woman might say.
If you told them your twat was horizontal, they wouldn't argue.
Okay, because I was thinking, maybe we could change it
to "The Little Bo Peep Show," and men show up
thinking it's gonna be this sexy peep show,
but instead, the girl behind the glass is wearing
this ridiculous dress, not showing any skin,
because she wants to be taken seriously as an actress,
doing her one-woman show about her wayward sheep.
[laughs]
Why don't you take a swing at rewriting it?
Really?
I can do that?
Why not?
I'm Executive Producer.
Yes, you are.
[funk music playing]
Mmm. Oh, yeah!
So I said to him, I said, uh, "So what's your angle?"
Talking 'bout, "Why I gotta have an angle?"
[laughter]
I said, "Because
you one angling motherfucker, that's why."
[laughter]
♪♪
♪ Ah! ♪
♪♪
Anybody order a white guy?
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
If I buy a girl a drink, it means I want to fuck her.
You paid for my entire haul of liquor, plus money owed.
Cards on the table, Barton, I'm not that good a fuck.
Not according to your current business model.
What do you want?
I want what you need, a business partner.
Hm.
I saw this, uh, nature documentary.
It's about buzzards.
They can smell their next meal from a mile a way.
- Hm. - A mile.
But from "Niggerville" all the way
up to Sunset Boulevard? [laughs]
Now, that is impressive.
♪ tense music ♪
I'm sorry, may I?
♪♪
Now that we're on a first name basis,
I'm gonna talk frank.
You're gonna go bankrupt,
just like you did in New York in '70,
just like you did in Atlanta in '62, and you know why?
Oh, joy, you're gonna share your secret of success.
'Cause you don't know what you're selling.
Fuck I don't.
I sell a night out, a good time.
Hope.
♪♪
You are selling hope with a two drink minimum.
And you deal in hope?
These kids today, they want fame.
They want headlines.
They want all the shit that you can't give 'em.
See, they can know that it can never happen,
but they got to think that it still could.
You're talking Carson.
Don't think I ain't fucking tried.
His guy, Mitch Bombadier,
got his head so far up Goldie's ass,
it's fucking impossible.
I have a working relationship with Mitch.
We'll work something out.
Through Pryor?
♪♪
Well, if you could get Pryor to play my club...
...that'd be a hell of a shot in the arm.
That ain't even gonna happen. He's all Goldie's.
What I am proposing...
...is that we build our own Pryor.
Right, so this book says that you can have anything,
as long as you believe?
Mm-hmm.
And you chose pizza? Not Carson.
Well, Carson takes time.
I mean, I mean, it's like on "Bewitched."
You know, Tabitha didn't just pop out of the womb
and levitate her crib. She started with her doll,
and then worked her way up to heavier shit.
I know what you should manifest next--
the powers to not say dumb shit.
No. Next I'm manifesting vaginas.
Already got a big box of Trojans.
Well, as long as you didn't buy a box of big Trojans.
You should give it a read, man. You need to believe in yourself.
And talk to Cassie--you still haven't even called her.
Whoa, whoa, what? Stop that train.
You like Cassie? Okay.
Okay, I can see it. Now that Bill's
out of the picture, I feel like you should go for it.
[laughs] He's not gonna do that.
Excuse me, how do you know what I'm gonna do?
I don't--I just know what you're not gonna do,
which is talk to her, or be a man.
[laughs] What, you scared?
Yeah, I'm scared. No, none of you know
what the fuck you're talking about, okay?
Okay. Okay.
How 'bout we settle this like men?
Cock or Balls?
[Adam] Whoa.
[clears throat] Wait.
What is Cock or Balls?
It's like Rock paper scissors,
except you stand back-to-back, unzip your fly,
pull out a little bit of skin, and the other guy has to guess
whether he's looking at your cock or your balls.
Best two-out-of-three wins.
Somebody wins?
[Eddie] [groans] I'll go first.
[clears throat]
If I win, you gotta face Cassie.
Okay, and if I win,
you shut the fuck up about that book.
Deal.
Wait, y'all actually about to play this shit?
No peeking.
No need.
I can draw a courtroom sketch of his dick.
All right, ready?
Yeah, did you find it?
Three, two, one.
- Balls. - Fuck!
Every time.
[Ron's zipper opens]
- You all right back there? - Yep.
Whew! Okay.
♪ funky rock music ♪
What do you think of that?
Yeah, drink it in.
Why are you so fucking close?
Balls.
- Cock. - [Adam] Wow.
Bullshit! There's a pube right there.
I did that to trick you.
That's 100 percent beef you're staring at.
Wait, why not just play rock paper scissors?
What are we, fucking ten?
[laughs]
[van door opens and closes]
♪ light guitar music ♪
♪♪
Max?
Where are you, Maxie?
Maxie boy?
You happy to have me home?
♪♪
Max, honey?
Where are you, Maxie?
Marty, I gotta be honest.
The sketches, they're not exactly Shakespeare.
Well, your girls aren't exactly thespians, but I hear ya.
Don't worry, it's a first draft. Next will be better.
Great, we're all on the same page then.
Uh, the thing is, my problem isn't just the writing,
it's the content.
It's frat humor.
I mean, it should be about women.
That's the point, right, to showcase women?
Marty said it was just a first draft.
It's all part of the process. Just relax, all right?
Goldie, please, don't get so emotional.
Now, Eli, in the second sketch--
- Could you repeat that? - What?
Could you repeat that without the condescension?
Just say it to me like you're talking to another guy
and not your six-year-old daughter?
What are you looking at him for? I'm talking to you.
[laughs]
That what makes Goldie Goldie.
You know, she's a straight shooter.
[chuckles] You got your spin.
Anyway, don't worry about it. I took care of it.
Got one of my girls to rewrite it.
You did what?
I'm a producer, so I'm producing.
No. No, you don't hire writers.
No, not without consulting me.
Look, Marty, if I had a prick, I might stand around
holding it all day, but I don't,
so I have time to actually get shit done.
She'll have your pages by the weekend.
Come on.
You know, for a woman who usually sees the big picture,
that was extremely shortsighted.
I refuse to put out a mediocre product
with my name on it.
I've worked long and hard
to make that name mean something.
Oh, come on, no one is disputing that.
The problem isn't your message, it's the way you deliver it.
You kill more flies with honey.
What's wrong with a flyswatter?
You have to respect the network.
You can't treat 'em like a necessary evil.
You ask me, they aren't all that necessary.
Jesus, Gold.
You're not gonna break if you bend.
Why can't you compromise on something? Anything?
Because then I'd be you.
A real Hollywood agent.
I want to look like that French girl
in "Last Tango in Paris." Oh.
Where are my heels?
She had that hat, remember?
It's black with the flower?
Clothes are not what I remember about that movie.
What?
You're nervous.
[scoffs]
[laughs] It's cute.
You're cute.
Just cleaning my boots.
[sighs]
[brush swiping]
Do you love me, Nick?
[laughs softly]
I wouldn't want to be on this ride with anyone else.
[chuckles]
♪ solemn music ♪
[sighs softly]
Do you remember what I said
the first time I saw you do stand-up?
"The fries here are so good."
- [both laughing] - No.
♪♪
I said you were going places.
Yeah.
And then you asked me if I wanted to come with you.
♪♪
I want to come with you.
♪♪
I can't wait until our trip to Merced this weekend.
My mom never believed in you, but I told her.
I told everybody.
♪♪
Okay.
- Hi. Huh? - Oh!
More meat.
Yeah.
- Such the provider. - Oh! Can I?
- Say, "Hi, Dad." - Yeah, I think this is
how the cavemen felt when they purchased
their woolly mammoth steaks and baby formula.
Maybe we should've gotten the bigger fridge.
Most of this is for the christening, but still.
Ooh!
Look at that. That's a full freezer.
What? Yeah, I've never heard of it either.
[laughs]
Watch out.
[chuckles playfully]
[gasps] Wow--oh, wow.
♪♪
I'll put him down and be right back.
Okay.
- Say, "Night night, Daddy." - Night night.
[sighs]
♪♪
[baby babbling on speaker]
[laughs]
[Betty on speaker] Look at you, so sweet.
[baby babbling on speaker]
[Betty muttering on speaker]
When Cassie shows up, remember, all you have to do is believe.
And don't limit yourself to what you can see.
You know? I mean, we can't see the air.
- Hmm. - Does that make the air
less fucking real? No.
- What page? - 16.
Jesus Christ, you're a slow reader.
Yeah.
Oh, here we go.
[Cassie] Oh, hey, "kiss and run."
P.S., uh, I lied, those were my balls.
You're welcome.
Hello.
- [groans] - [chuckles]
Uh, look...
...um, fuck it.
I'm not gonna apologize for kissing you.
I did what I did, and... that's that.
So.
[inhales] Yep.
- [sighs] - [chuckles]
Ahh, well, that's way too long of a pause.
I've overplayed my hand, haven't I?
Look, despite almost losing a tooth on impact,
the kiss was nice.
You running away was fucking weird.
Yeah, I think I used up, uh, all my adrenaline on the kiss,
and I...had to hide in the men's room
until closing to recharge.
[both laughing]
- [sighs] - Mm.
- Ahh. - [sighs]
Look... I think you're so great.
Ah.
But I just broke up with Bill...
- Right. [clears throat] - ...and I got all this
"Girls Are Funny, Too" stuff happening...
- Right. - ...and Goldie's actually
letting me do a rewrite of one of the sketches.
Oh, wow. Congratulations.
Thank you, so it's just-- man, it's just--
it's really bad timing for me right now.
Timing, right.
So... is there any chance...
...we could just be friends?
Of course. [laughs]
Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, good. - Yeah, friends.
- I'll see you later, friend. - All right.
Oof.
Hey.
Missed your time, Sull.
By ten minutes, just put me up next.
- Sorry. - Who's here?
Booked until 1:45. I'll put you up after Cassie.
Arnie, listen, man, I had a sales call
in Bakersfield and it went long, okay?
I--and I have to go get the groceries, you understand?
I have to sit down and have dinner with my wife and kid.
I've gotta plan out this goddamn christening!
What am I, Dear Abby now?
1:45.
You can be a fucking dickhead, you know that, Arnie?
Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
Nick.
- [Nick] Hey. - Hey, hey, hey.
- How are ya? - Good.
- How are you? - Yeah, good--good to see you.
Good. This must be Tawny.
- [chuckles] Hi. - Yes.
My wife, Olivia.
Hi. So nice to meet you.
Last time I was invited to a house this nice,
it had a grotto, so.
[laughter]
Holy guacamole, I-I love marble.
- Yeah. - [Tawny] Yeah.
[laughs] Oh, my God, so cute!
Can we have them for dinner? 'Cause I could just eat them up.
Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. [laughs]
She skipped lunch, so.
Why don't we get you two a drink?
- Great. - Yeah.
Tawny, come, please.
Good night, girls. [kisses] Bye.
I'll see you later, okay?
[Arnie] You know, I'm thinking of trying out
for the Washington Generals.
You know, the basketball team
that's always losing to the Harlem Globetrotters?
Hey, why can't white people win once in a while, right?
I know what you're thinking, "Arnie, you're too small.
Arnie, you're pathetic at basketball.
Arnie, you're too white."
No, those are the requirements
to play for the Washington Generals.
[laughter]
Now, you know that should be you up there, right?
[sighs] Goldie says all the greats take the stairs,
not the fucking elevator.
Or they go up the street and get themselves paid.
Hey, you know Teddy's paying.
Ten bucks a set.
Get more if it's Adam Proteau.
Ain't Teddy's going under?
Man got a sudden influx of cash.
You been packing Goldie's cellar really tight,
and I can only imagine what it would be like
if you were at Teddy's.
Name on the marquee,
headlining whenever you want,
real money.
♪ dramatic music ♪
Yeah, and who's watching?
All the kingmakers, same as here.
♪♪
Look, man, I don't know what your game is,
but Goldie's got a plan, so I'm cool.
Oh, right, right, right. Stairs.
[laughs]
Look, son, in this business, you wait too long,
you wait tables.
[Arnie continues set]
[Arnie] Brain cancer.
[laughs]
This is my favorite.
Oh, I've never seen a ring like this before.
It's so twinkly.
It's a rose-cut diamond, from India.
[lounge music playing]
I can't stop looking at it.
Nicky, see this ring? Hint, hint.
No one does subtlety like you, babe.
[laughs]
Olivia's dad was a jeweler in Romania,
and now she makes her own stuff.
Come on, come see my wine cellar.
I have some bottles here that Bob Hope gave me.
Whew.
♪♪
- Oh. - [clears throat]
Uh... [laughs]
It's okay with you, I'd prefer you fuck me
the old fashioned way, 10 percent at a time, huh?
You come to my house with your junkie girlfriend.
I have two kids here.
What are you talking about?
That, I... [chuckles]
She's got the flu.
- Mm. - Yeah, she's got the flu
and she didn't want to come, but I begged her.
Uh-huh.
And she took this cold medicine,
and it's knocking her out,
but it--it's sweet, actually.
Now can we--or do I gotta keep pretending to enjoy
this giant nut-covered ball of cream cheese
Olivia calls an appetizer?
You want me to represent you?
This is what's gonna happen.
You're gonna make an excuse up
as to why you can't be at dinner tonight.
You're gonna dump the broad, clean up your act,
and never, ever come back to my house fucked up again.
You kicking your habit on your own?
That's a slim chance of happening.
You two doing it together, zero.
That's my offer.
Okay.
[sets drink down]
Yeah, I just thought of a perfect excuse.
Okay.
Um, Olivia, we can't make dinner tonight
because...
...your husband's a cunt.
Oh, Nick.
How's that?
You don't know her.
- You don't fucking know me. - Mm-hmm.
I could throw a rock out your front door
and hit nine of you.
You're not special.
You are a by-product of those of us who are!
[comic talking indistinctly onstage]
[Bill and Sully laughing and chatting]
Yeah, I know you will, you always do.
Oh!
Edgar. Heard you got deported.
Yeah, did Mexico stick its finger down its throat
and send you back?
That's very funny. It's a shame
Mitch isn't around to hear how witty you two are.
Man, I know you're still pissed.
I should've told you that--
Told me what, Edgar?
That you're a selfish asshole with no regard for anyone
or anything but your sorry-ass self?
No. You shouldn't have told me.
I should've already fucking known.
Hey, man.
We don't all feel that way, Edgar.
As a matter of fact, I got you new headshots--
a little welcome home present.
[crowd laughing in the theater]
What do you think?
- [laughing] Oh, man. - Fuck you!
Come on, man, we're just fucking with you.
Man! Prison has changed you.
Yeah.
Baby.
Eat.
They seemed so nice.
Yeah, get used to it.
We're gonna be fine without him.
Even you said they were pretty big.
Yeah, I say all kinds of things.
Why do some people get so much?
My sister's got a convertible.
She's only had her license three months.
[laughs] I could never drive one anyway.
Why not?
Have you ever been in one at night?
All the stars twinkling right above you, it...
...makes you just want to reach out and grab one.
[laughs]
Who could possibly keep their eyes on the road
with all those stars, right?
[laughs softly]
Yeah.
♪ solemn guitar music ♪
♪♪
[Tawny] She made really pretty jewelry, don't you think?
♪♪
Hey, you know if you fart in that, it turns red, right?
- Have a seat. - No thank you.
I want to be able to get out of here as fast as possible.
[clears throat] Ernie Falk wants you to give him a call.
Who the fuck's Ernie Falk?
Uh, he's the big-time TV producer
you tried to hustle the other night.
You mean hustle like you told me to?
Hustle, as in you take a 20 percent cut?
You know, I grew up in Cold Lake, Alberta?
My father used to walk across Cold Lake to work
every morning when it was frozen,
which was most mornings.
Then one day, when I was 17,
he fell through the ice and drowned.
What the fuck does that even mean?
Wasn't his day.
You walk across that lake every day, and then one day--
No, no, I-I get it, sort of,
it's--it's just a fucking terrible analogy.
It's a fucking brilliant analogy.
You're comparing your father drowning
to me having to make an unpleasant phone call?
We're all walking on thin ice, idiot!
Oh, my God, seriously?
Uh, speak to someone.
- [scoffs] - Okay? Like, a professional,
'cause you're really fucked up.
Get out.
Jesus. Not you, Arnie.
- He sat at your desk. - She said to leave!
So, what did I miss?
Besides the world's saddest pissing contest.
[scoffs] Same shit.
Comics complaining about time slots and whatnot.
There is talk.
King Theodore's.
Teddy's put the word out.
He's giving comics ten bucks a set.
Apparently, he's got an investor.
Barton Royce.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.
[all murmuring]
Carson. Carson.
Sitcom.
Development deal.
Carson. Carson.
Carson!
Film career.
Carson, Carson, Carson, Carson!
Carson and fuckin' Carson.
So, if any of you want to go over to Teddy's
and help rearrange deck chairs for ten dollars and a sandwich,
you know where the fucking door is.
Money is your fucking enemy.
The desire for money, I get it.
Who doesn't want something tangible
for all their hard work, huh?
But you don't get paid
until the job is done, period.
That desire, that hunger,
that's what keeps you fuckers awake!
And raw enough to still feel the pain
that delivered you to my doorstep
in the first place!
When I was a little kid, we raised chickens, hmm?
And chicks break out of their shells.
That's what gives them their strength.
If someone helps them, they die.
You may think you're doing them a favor,
but that struggle,
that is how they survive.
Now, that's a fucking analogy.
Fuck off.
Y'all know where I stand now.
You decide where you fucking stand.
Goldie.
You got a second?
Oh, I am through begging you to give a shit.
[lighter clicks]
[footsteps leaving]
[dance music playing]
Hey, any chance you can help me with that rewrite tonight?
Oh, shit. Um...
I can't, I...gotta fucking work at the deli.
You're a tough guy to nail down.
What's good for you? It's just one sketch.
Um...
[hums]
I don't know, let me-- I'll just--
I'll--I'll look at my schedule and I'll get back to you.
You're not gonna help me, are you?
Of course I'm gonna help you.
Well, what am I, not gonna help you?
I just--like I said, I can't, I gotta--
I can't, I got the thing. I-I got a shift.
Uh-huh, and what would happen to the shift
if I said I wanted to fuck you tonight?
[chuckles]
Well, I mean...
♪♪
Could probably get it covered.
♪♪
Hi.
- [clears throat] - What are we doing?
Diffusing the sexual tension that's ruining our friendship.
Okay, so, you want this?
Well, if this is what it takes for us to become friends again,
then yes, but this is a one-time offer only, okay?
This is for you to get it out of your system.
Well, what if I need more than one time?
One time.
[music continues, muffled]
Okay.
No eye contact?
Well, it's a tight space.
Um, just the fumes are making me gag,
so let's, like, move this along, okay?
A little impersonal.
Well, I'm gonna throw you a look over my shoulder
every now and then like this.
Oh, thanks. That's more of a "I stole
your parking space" look than it is of, uh, arousal.
[sighs] Well, I'll keep that in mind,
try to make it better.
[chuckles]
This floor is disgusting.
[clears throat]
- [groans] - Are you gonna...
Yeah, sorry, I just, you know,
gotta ramp myself up a little bit.
[sighs]
[panting]
What's going on back there?
Uh, I'm--I'm trying to get my penis erect.
[scoffs]
You really know how to sweet-talk a girl.
- Yeah, well-- - I'm surprised we didn't
do this earlier.
- [sighs] - [scoffs]
[groans]
Do you want me to do the look?
[sighs]
I'm gonna do the look.
Don't do the look.
All right, you know, this is-- I can't--I don't want this.
[scoffs] What? What?
I can get sex, Cassie, thank you very much, I can get sex.
I had hoped for a little bit more with you.
Well, this is all the more I have, I'm sorry,
sex in a supply closet, so take it or leave it.
You know, this--this is worse than a pity fuck.
A pity fuck would be like if I came back home from Vietnam
with...one arm, then this would be nice of you,
but a "let's get this out of the way" fuck?
And that's--somehow you think that's
gonna lead back to a friendship?
I don't do those.
[music continues]
♪ solemn jazz music ♪
♪♪
Oh, shit.
Tawny.
Fuck.
[groans]
♪♪
[groans]
♪♪
[sighs]
Tawny.
♪♪
[sighs] Okay.
♪♪
[Barton laughs]
Man, Richard's always running late.
I've yet to meet a star who wasn't.
Mitch, while I've got your ear,
you know King Theodore's.
I know where it's located.
You should drop by sometime.
Tell that to the comics.
You know I'm investing,
building the place up.
It would mean a lot if you would grace our little club.
Look, Barton, I got things to do and places to be.
Maybe Richard can reschedule with my secretary.
Of course.
Busy man, places to go.
Thanks for understanding.
[laughs] I just thought,
since we've already done business together,
a little visit from you to give the club credibility
with the other comics wouldn't be out of the question.
[chuckles] Business?
What business?
Little place of mine on Laurel Canyon.
You're a member, in good standing.
Those your kids?
♪ solemn guitar music ♪
♪♪
Yes, sir, yeah, I-I'll be there.
Thank you. Thanks, thank you.
Well, what did Ernie say?
He get you fired, or what?
No, he thought I was funny,
and he likes my look,
and wants me to come in
and audition for a guest role on one of his sitcoms next week.
- [laughing] Hey! - [squeals]
- It's the fucking book! - All right!
- It's the book! - Holy crap!
- [laughs] - That's great, pal, congrats.
You really...
...well, what's the opposite of deserved or earned?
[laughter]
Ronnie, you asked and the universe provided.
Yeah, I-I can't believe how much time I wasted
looking for jobs when I could've just been manifesting.
[sucks in air] [groans]
Jesus, it's like my father's drowning all over again.
Okay, dude, seriously, call a fucking hotline.
Did you see where I put my boots?
Right here.
Oh. [chuckles]
I'm such a jelly head.
[chuckles]
You sure you can't come tonight?
[kisses]
I'll blow you on the bus.
[sighs]
It's tempting.
I gotta sort out all this agent shit here
before the buzz dies down.
But you'll be there, right?
Tuesday night?
Of course.
Take the 11:40 bus, okay?
Anything later on a weekday will get you in too late.
Especially with traffic.
♪ lively rock music ♪
Ralph, are you supporting his head?
- I-I got him. - Act like you love him.
Pretend he's a Christmas ham.
Okay, here it is. [chuckles]
♪♪
[unintelligible chatter]
♪♪
What have I missed?
- Ooh. - Oh, ho, ho, ho!
- Baby. - [laughs]
[Cassie] Well, look at you. You're looking good.
What do you got, like, a court appearance later?
[Edgar] Oh, that's hilarious, Cass.
Hey, what's the statute of limitations on lame?
[Cassie] Oh, they fucked the funny out of you in prison?
[Edgar] [mock laughs] Like I said.
- [laughs] - All right, come on, follow me.
I guess we're following Edgar now.
[laughs]
I've never followed Edgar anywhere, and I--
- All right, listen up. - [chuckles]
I've decided to make some positive life changes,
and I am giving up drugs, selling and using.
Fucking have at it.
- [Ron] Holy shit! - [Cassie] Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God, Edgar. - Take whatever you want.
Edgar, there are children here.
What do you have in a nice house hallucinogen?
I'm glad you asked--I have some acid, mescaline, and oh,
my favorite organic hallucinogen of choice, mushrooms.
Oh, hell yes.
- See you later. - Yup.
[sighs]
[knocks]
Yeah?
Hey, uh, I need to know something.
What--what is your plan for me here?
We're working the plan.
You're in the Cellar, honing your craft.
No, my craft's already honed.
I'm killing it every night in the Cellar.
All right? I need the Main Stage.
Jesus. You kids and the Main Stage
are like lemmings heading off a cliff.
Well, how about a straight answer?
No chickens, no lemmings, no...
...no struggle, just a straight fucking answer.
You hear Barton coming out of your mouth?
You think 'cause some guy offers you
the moon and the stars, he can actually deliver?
Barton's offering cash...
- [scoffs] - ...and stage time
- and a marquee. - Oh, Jesus.
You're the only one offering the moon and the stars.
I just want to see something, Goldie.
'Cause I heard enough.
♪ I came along and did... ♪
[Bill] Probably gonna eat it again, too.
Haven't eaten in, like, two days.
Hey, Ralph. You--you mind if I sit down?
[Ralph] Go ahead.
♪ But now you tell me I ain't good enough ♪
So, I was thinking about what you said, and, um,
I am a Jack. I-I let you down,
and I get it now.
♪ You either beat me up ♪
Edgar...
...we been friends a long time.
Everybody make mistakes.
I see the righteous man in you.
He's way in the back, cowering in the corner.
He's inside there,
but he can't hide from me.
Can't hide from me.
♪ Oh mama ♪
Mmm. I love you, buddy.
[whispering] I love you.
Damn.
♪♪
He loves you?
I crushed up some MDMA and I put it in his drink.
The fucking guy threw somebody from a helicopter.
♪♪
Seems to be having fun.
[Ron] I think the universe is holding me up right now.
[pop music playing]
♪♪
[clears throat]
Hey.
Ahem. Um...
...so I've reconsidered, and, uh,
if your offer's still good,
there's an old refrigerator out back that the raccoons said
we could use when they were done fucking.
I'm so sorry. That was...
...probably the stupidest thing I've ever done.
No, I-I think my passing was the stupidest, actually.
[laughs] Anyhow, um,
you were a friend to me when I needed one.
I can be a friend to you.
Really?
Yes, absolutely.
Beer?
[Cassie] Yeah, that'd be great.
- Yeah. - [Cassie] Okay.
♪ I'm getting kind of tired now ♪
♪ And I'd like to settle down ♪
I forgot to tell you, um,
my mom's making these little apple meatloafs
for your visit.
Everybody gets their own and they've got brown sugar on top.
♪ Those emotions more advanced ♪
She was so wrong about you. I saw it.
I saw it right from the start.
♪♪
♪ And I'm getting kind of tired now ♪
♪ 'Cause I've carried quite a load ♪
♪ And don't know which way I'm going ♪
♪ I'm just going where I go ♪
Better get on that bus.
♪ Little dewdrops fall to drink ♪
♪ Silver minutes time to think ♪
♪ I'm ready to go now ♪
Take care, okay? [clears throat]
♪ I'm getting kind of tired now ♪
♪ And I'd like to settle ♪
♪♪
♪ And I've played the games already ♪
It was just a ring, Nicky.
♪ And the fun is wearing out ♪
♪ As I sit here with the rest ♪
♪ Go through motions or at best ♪
♪ I'm ready to go now ♪
♪♪
Is one of those for me?
Um... [chuckles]
No, for a friend,
but I-I can go back and I can get you one.
I'm kidding.
[both laughing]
I-I don't know anyone here,
so that was just my lame attempt at flirting.
Well, uh, I... you could walk with me
while I think of my lame attempt at a response.
Okay. [laughs]
- Sorry, sorry. - Sorry.
Here we are.
[both laughing]
Oh, here you go.
Um... oh, Cassie, this is, um--
- Sorry, what was-- - Oh, Sabrina.
- Sabrina. - And you're...?
Eddie.
My brother's name's Eddie.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Good name. - That is incredible.
- Mm. - So, is that short for...
Eduardo, or--
- Yes, yes, Eduardo. - Oh, Eduardo.
My father was an explorer.
Blacks have the fist in the air, black power.
Jews, we're more of a shrug.
How about a hunger strike? Eh.
A hunger strike?
Our whole existence is based on eat, eat.
Which rules out sit-ins.
You want me to go to a restaurant,
sit at the counter, and not order anything?
Not even a roll?
How is this helping anyone?
Plus we lose half our people at sundown on Friday night.
And that's really when riots are taking off, at sundown.
We're not an athletic people.
To sprint while carrying a television,
that is a tall order.
There he is.
Please, give Goldie my best.
'Cause that's what I intend to do.
[Gabe] What would my mother say?
♪ Janis Joplin's "Piece Of My Heart" ♪
♪ Oh, come on, come on ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
[Maggie] Have you ever danced naked in the rain?
I really wish it would rain in L.A.,
but that's what I miss the most about home,
it doesn't do it.
I can see your nipples through your shirt
and I'm fully erect.
♪ Yeah, and didn't I give you nearly everything ♪
Okay, now you say something nice about me.
♪ Honey, you know I did ♪
♪ And each time I tell myself that I... ♪
Oh! I am manifesting
the ever-loving fuck out of you right now.
Yes! Yes, do that. Keep manifesting.
- Damn! - Keep--
I'm believing! I'm believing!
Why can't I fucking come?
Do truck drivers not come?
I don't know any truck drivers.
[both panting]
Oh, your hair is so soft and shiny.
My neighbor had an angora goat growing up.
Your hair's like that,
except without the sour goat smell.
Edgar said that this was truck driver speed
so that they could drive all night,
so you're gonna have to drive me all night long, baby.
Okay.
- Keep going! - I got--
- [grunts] - Keep going!
[baby squealing]
[Maggie chuckling]
[babbling]
We're in the baby's room.
Shh. Did you hear that?
[baby babbling]
I think we're in a baby's room.
I can't come with a baby in here.
- [babbling] - [Ron] Bad baby.
- It's gonna crawl out. - Shh.
- [Ron] Go back to sleep. - [Maggie] Get back inside.
[laughter]
I gave her speed.
You know what's funny?
Now there's two baby dicks in there.
[laughter]
Honey, did you get buns?
You didn't ask for buns. You asked for hamburger.
Sully! Are people supposed to eat
hamburger patties with their bare hands?
400 bucks, you'd think it would come
with some fucking food in it.
Nothing wrong with the old one. The old one was fine.
The old one didn't work. It froze all my breast milk.
For a refrigerator, that's the very definition
- of working, Betts. - What is with you?
You don't stop.
"Get a job, get a raise, get more hamburger.
Get home for dinner."
So what, you don't want this?
Okay, always twisting my words.
[Maggie] [over intercom] You have to fuck me harder!
- Oh! - [laughter]
- [Ron] Okay, can we stop? - [baby babbles]
[Ron] I think I'm getting a boo-boo on my privates.
- Whoa. - This was a really nice party.
I-I need my jacket.
I never came, if that helps.
So when it's 2:00 a.m., and your son won't stop crying
because he wants his daddy, it's because you'll be out
having pancakes with these people?
No, because I don't go to Canter's anymore.
I barely get any stage time, because I have to get up
in the morning and go to my soul-sucking sales job
so I can pay for things like that baby monitor,
or a fridge the size of the Grand Canyon,
or God forbid, a fucking house!
I am so sick of you blaming me
for your lack of success.
Lack of success?
You are a real bitch, Betts, you know that?
And you're a salesman.
[sniffs]
[door closes]
No, actually, that's disgusting.
[both laughing]
Uh, one sec, let me-- I'll just be right back.
Okay.
Hey, you getting out of here?
Yeah, Goldie wants that sketch, so I should probably...
Well, if you still want, I could come by later
and, you know, go over it.
No, please, go, before she puts on underwear.
Yeah, you're right.
She's so inappropriately dressed.
I think I could stand on her tits
and see my house from here.
[laughs]
You--you sure?
Yeah, have fun. Just don't take her
to the supply closet, because that's our place.
I wouldn't think of it.
I'll see you later.
♪ solemn jazz music ♪
Hi.
You told your friend?
- [Eddie] Yeah, um... - [Sabrina] I like her dress.
[Eddie] Yeah, she likes your dress too.
That's it? You're leaving?
Fine, go!
Go, you fucking coward!
Fuck you! Fuck you!
♪♪
[clicking tongue]
[distant dog barking]
[whistles]
[clicking tongue]
♪♪
Max?
♪♪
Max?
♪♪
[sobs] Max?
♪♪
Don't forget towels.
Yeah.
Hey, can I ask you something?
Is Barton a good man?
I'm the wrong person to ask
about the contents of men's souls.
No, I mean, is he a man of his word?
Yes.
Why you hesitate?
'Cause a man of his word isn't always a good thing.
♪♪
[Sonja] Why are you asking?
I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to figure out
what's real and shit.
[Sonja] Life is a constant vacillation
between buyer's remorse and seller's remorse.
I find it best to pick your poison and live with it.
♪♪
I heard you were at Teddy's last night.
I'm not booking anyone from there.
[Goldie] So why fucking go?
Because I have a wife and kids.
You stupid fuck.
♪ Alan Price's "O Lucky Man!" ♪
♪♪
♪ If you have a friend on whom you think you can rely ♪
♪ You are a lucky man ♪
♪ If you've found the reason to live on and not to die ♪
♪ You are a lucky man ♪
♪ Preachers and poets and scholars don't know it ♪
♪ Temples and statues and steeples won't show it ♪
♪ If you've got the secret just try not to blow it ♪
♪ Stay a lucky man ♪
♪ A lucky man ♪
♪♪
♪ If you've found the meaning ♪
♪ Of the truth in this old world ♪
♪ You are a lucky man ♪
♪ If knowledge hangs around your neck ♪
♪ Like pearls instead of chains ♪
♪ You are a lucky man ♪
♪♪
♪ Takers and fakers and talkers won't tell ya ♪